Auction
Lot #003: Shrines
And now, a special collection featuring
items to be auctioned individually. They are,
however, so unique, so unusual, that each of you will be
begging to take one home with you. Before
I tell you about them, I must warn you of the
responsibility in owning these collapsible shrines. Yes,
I said shrines. Collected from around the world by a man
named Edward Nexson. Stolen, really, but that just adds
to the allure, doesn’t it? Nexson, who has never returned,
asked me to keep these shrines in my storage trunk for him,
but before I took them into my charge, each shrine was exorcized
of any curses they carried, and cursed they were.
After the illustrious Mr. Nexson placed these shrines
in his garden, everything died within two weeks.
Like ghosts stomping out vegetables.
He went to confession,
but was unable to enter the church. Stood at the threshold
of the front entrance, unable to step forward. Wind
blowing up against him. A priest stood at the altar
and observed, instructed from above, deny Nexson entrance.
Are you an occultist? Like a good ghost story? Want something
new to impress your friends? Perhaps something to replace
the plant on your office desk. These shrines are collapsible,
easily reassembled, and require no watering or feeding like
pets do.
Each item has been brought here in its original condition,
despite heavy questioning at customs. I will supply papers
declaring
authenticity, maps of how to assemble/disassemble.
Containers used to carry the shrines across the border
by car, air, or ship included in the purchase. Sturdy and
protective,
shrines guaranteed safety during travel. Let’s begin:
Tintina, Argentina: Ceramic virgin wrapped
in black cloth robes, hand-stitched with burlap.
Original Argentinean dust still covers her face, deeply
embedded creases around her eyes. Shrine stands
two feet tall, composed out of flattened stones
that stack securely. The virgin lays atop rocks,
hands resting on her left breast.
No ceramic infant included.
La Difunta Correa, or Our Lady of the Broken Fanbelt.
Erected for the virgin of Lujun and her immaculate
conception, who died of backcountry thirst in 1840.
Her infant son suckled her breast. As the patron saint
of truckers, this shrine will protect those who fear
crossing salt flats. Let the virgin clutching her breast
for the missing babe remind you that
absence wounds the heart. Starts at $200.
Lyon, France: Ever been to France? If so, did you get
much further than the Metro and Eiffel tower? Explore
regional legends with the purchase of this shrine for
Saint Guinefort, the holy greyhound. Dilapidated remains
are charming when there’s a history behind them. The
mildew
however, may leave you sneezing. From the remains,
please identify crib bars with long strip of snake
skin woven between. Includes a pouch also made
of snake skin to hold ashes of the belovéd Guinefort.
According to local legend, Man and wife left their greyhound
to guard infant son. Upon return, they found the son dead,
dog exhausted and stained with blood.
Man and wife killed the hound, then discovered
a large dragon-like serpent under the crib.
The loyal Guinefort had protected the baby.
Guinefort was buried and shrine erected.
The
Protestants weren’t keen
on canine-worship, let alone animal rights.
Local bishops deemed the shrine heretical,
came yearly to destroy what items weren’t
confiscated by the state. Pagans would rebuild
until the French Revolution. Finally, someone cremated
Guinefort so his grave could be left undisturbed.
In 1930, the last caretaker of the shrine died;
Saint Guinefort vanished.
Ever
been one to snap judgments? Too quick
to place blame? Let this shrine remind you
there is always a deeper truth to what you see.
Guinefort was a protector, not a mangy mutt.
For hundreds of years, while the shrine was tended,
not a single villager became ill. No plague, no fevers,
not even a sniffle like the gentleman
in the back row seems to have.
Not for the allergic, but certainly
for the dog lover. Bidding begins at $400.
Bohemia,
now Czech Republic: This final shrine
is welcome anywhere there are bad husbands.
Saint Uncumber, a heavy bearded and large breasted
woman in a long gown hangs on the cross. Ceramic.
piles of oats surround her. She was the only daughter
of a Pagan king of Portugal.
How far would you go to get out of a bad relationship?
Our Uncumber secretly converted to Christianity,
refused marriage to King of Sicily, and prayed
for deformity to get out of her Betrothal.
The next morning she awoke with a beard. Maybe you
don’t want to pray for deformities, or pray at all.
But there’s still a way out of those nasty domestic
lives, ladies.
Uncumber confessed her Christianity to father,
who slit her throat. Women would come
to shrine offering oats, pray for their bad husbands to be
put
on a horse with Uncumber and ridden straight into Hell. Pray
to this shrine to be freed from unhappy marriage. And all
you
gentlemen in the audience, be warned if your wife places
a bid.
Begins at $100, but is actually priceless. |